This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
