Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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