Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
