I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
