I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
