do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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