Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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