Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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