Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
