Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
