Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
