so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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