Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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