Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
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I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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