Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
