dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
