I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
