I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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