he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
