I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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