oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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