i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
