i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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