I heard we made out
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
