Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
