We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
