Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
