So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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