if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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