She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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