It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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