omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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