I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole