Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???