i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
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Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.