I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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