I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
