So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
