So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
