Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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