so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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