I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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