mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
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OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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