Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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