hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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