why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
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I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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