I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
