Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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