Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
