Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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