No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
