You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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