And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
