There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
