You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
