I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
