So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
