Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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