Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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