Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
