Don't make out with my wife yet
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
