I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
