Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
