He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
